Spy Game


Gen. Petraeus’ face after discharging his weapon.

General David Petraeus stepped down last week over allegations that he engaged in an illicit affair with biographer Paula Broadwell (which I think is a lazy way to conclude the biography. “And then I started banging him”). This story, on the whole, doesn’t matter, even though Petraeus had been one of the last white knights in the American Psyche (as I understand it, he won the war in Iraq with the Surge, in which he rushed in with Knife-class/lightweight on).

However, Petraeus is the Director of the CIA, which had a substantial role in attack on the Libyan Consulate (read: gave orders for to “stand down” and not help the Ambassador). The whole thing stinks to high hell, the House of Representatives is investigating and BAM: sex scandal. This should keep the reporters busy for a while.

But one crack-journalist with a nose for the truth is on the case, has his coffee, and is ready to blow this one wide open.

I don’t know if I buy the conspiracy theory that this is all to cover up Libya (ok, I just can’t afford it). The sexcapades probably happened, and is tactically let loose as a smoke screen. I say this because our Government is simple hapless when it comes to conspiracy theories (remember the Youtube video that caused the riot on the embassy? Me neither, but young gun reporter HisGrossness poke some holes in that pretty damn fast with lots of Moxy).

But let’s talk about the fact that the Director of the CIA, supposed to have more secrets than Nick Fury, was seduced by this woman.

And if you’re about to say “what if he seduced her?” Then scroll back up and look at his O face.

I’m not saying she’s not attractive, but really? And I’ll admit, Gen. Petraeus’ wife is a bag of premixed Frumpiness (comes with two free cats!), so it’s not like the motivation is lacking. And learning from Tiger Woods, some men will cheat on any woman with anything.

I’m guessing it was the conversation, they both loved talking about Gen. Petraeus. I suppose they might have even made up a fiction about being star-crossed lovers and how this was their story, etc, while Petraeus released a deluge of classified documents (imagine the stories we’ll tell the kids one day!)

But the secrecy on this affair didn’t last long. They had what could be called a relationship for 2 years, intermingled with working on his book (an indepth interview, that’s what we’ll call it). But shouldn’t this be the type of thing to which our spies are immune?

Not pictured: The woman 007 is currently banging when the picture was taken.

Case in point: James Bond. All he does is bone and booze. Beside thwarting comically evil characters, it’s what Bond does best. Bond often seduces women just to keep himself sharp. Why? To save god-damned Her Royal Majesty’s England (The only woman he’d bone and really mean it).

What if this Paula had been trained to be seductive? What if, instead of boning for the sake of writing a better biography, she had been boning for the sake of international espionage. They shared e-mails with classified information over GMail for America’s sake! The entire thing is so laughable that you could never expect a real Bond-audience to believe it.

“But, HisGrossness,” you retort, “Don’t you think you’re basing your knowledge of international espionage a little too much on a campy 1960’s series that went a little too long?”

Valid point, gentle reader, but turn your attention back to Femme Fatale Anna Chapman (how could you not?), whose Russian spying antics single-handedly heated up the Cold War (which, despite Ronald Reagan’s best efforts, I consider to be still on). This was the type of thing she was, you know, trained for.

I am containing myself out of sheer Patriotism, my comrade commie hussy.

Why is this a big deal? Ask any man what she was guilty of actually doing in turns of international espionage, and we’ll all come up blank. Show us the picture, we’ll say “Oh, the Russian Spy?” and we’ll all… well, I think you get the point (I think it was gonna be another penis joke).

Was the secret plan for Anna Chapman to seduce Gen. Petraeus? Probably not, but it doesn’t help when we reveal that our leaders are pretty much vulnerable to the exact approach our enemy uses. When we need to be on guard from attacks from all fronts (and behinds), our military shows how frustrated their heads really are. (oops, sorry, Freudian Penis! I mean, slip). But I hope we can get off the subject of Petraeus and his privates in time to actually talk about Benghazi (which, if you remember, I already kind of cracked… NBD)

If you are now all hot and bothered by Russian women, take a peek at this article about Pussy Riot!, a band which is fighting for the freedom of speech that I used at least 6 times in this article.

HisGrossness could only be seduced by Lady Liberty, who is far too classy for him. Help out his odds by following him and reading his silly words! (He used the word ‘bone’ five times in this article).


Back to Square One

After following my doctors orders by drinking heavily after the election and crying while reading Charles Krauthammer, I think I’ve regained the energy to reopen my political loom and spin this coarse fabric into hilarious silk (I think he’s still drunk). I’ve gotten to the point when I can admit that Barack Obama won, Mitt Romney lost, and essentially the House of Representatives and the Senate were a push.

First off, let me be clear (stealing a line from Obama): this was not a referendum on whose opinion is right. The split is 51:48%. Within the margin of error. But if you think that somehow your ideology is invalidated because 3% more of the population doesn’t agree with you, you’re an idiot. Republicans are just now the minority… NO! I know, we’re the Hipsters. Obama is mainstream.

“You know what I always say, ‘If it’s too broke to fix, lets just give them a do-over

Before I tear into ourselves for spitting at logic in the eye, apparently we need to give out some accolades. Congratulations, President Barack Obama, you are the first sitting President to raise $1 billion. And who says money can’t buy happiness? But look out for 2008 Barack Obama, who wants major campaign reform to limit money (what a buzzkill!).

Congrats again to President Barry Obama, who beat the 7.5% unemployment rule. You see, previous to him with the exception of F.D.R., no incumbent president had been reelected with unemployment at 8.1%. You truly lowered the bar for everyone, you should be proud.

Congrats finally to Mitt “Mittens” Romney, winning the “Nice guys finish last (with their image completely smeared by the Obama campaign).” You see, Mitt has a long and deep history of charitable giving, and not just with money, but even up to the point of taking other people into his home during the holidays. Of course you didn’t hear that, it got buried by the story that Mitt Romney killed a man’s wife

or that Mitt Romney doesn’t hug his garbage man

(Side note: I will give $500 to the person who sends me the video of Barack Obama giving his own garbage man a hug)

A big part of the Democrats success was turning a loving family man into this.

So Mittens will return to obscurity, alone and defeated. Except with a beautiful, smart wife, great family, tons of money, a community that adores him, (and maybe 2016 marked on his calendar). That’ll teach him.

I only hope that the people who so actively bought into the lies and vilified him with Saul Alinsky-esque tactics take a moment to actually find out who Mitt is as a person, now that he is no longer an enemy.

But back to what happened on Tuesday. Economic indicators predicted a win for Romney. Polling predicted a win for Romney, all the pundits (especially the ones excited to complain about the Romney Regime for four years), everything. Barack Obama predicted a win for Obama, but you can’t go off what he thinks in something like this. Remember when Dewey Defeated Truman?

Exactly. We were feeding off certain assumptions as indicators. They were proven to be false, so we need to root them out to avoid this again.

1. The 7.5% unemployment rule. Pundits assumed this rule would hold fast because it is a number communicating to the voter “Hey, the economy is shit.” The underlying assumption, that most swing voters understand how an economy works, how Government policies effect economic growth, and they can link the policies of this current administration. This assumption is undermined by the classic “Blame Bush” trope which we get to enjoy for another four years (Really, thanks guys).

2. The 2010 voting block. After the Red Wave that retook the House of Representatives, the Race for the White House was the fight every conservative wanted. Following the Side Show out of the volunteers who stepped forward (where IS Herman Cain, by the way?), a lot of Republicans were non-plussed by the selection, but plowed forward with this “Anybody but Obama” mentality. Unfortunately, Anybody but Obama ended up translating into Mitt Romney (whom I think is awesome, but the party did not coalesce under his banner), which ended up translating into Obama again. Unfortunately, this led an estimated 3 million conservative voters, voters who frequently vote in the presidential elections, to stay home, twiddle their thumbs, and say “Man, I wish Mitt Romney was more conservative, because I really don’t like Obama.” (Playing at home? The answer is, yes, that 3 million would have swung the election). I don’t know who you 3 million are, but I’ll find out and let you all know personally that you failed your country and those of like-minded policies. And that you are a supreme doo-doo head.

3. Hurricane Sandy. 40% of voters said in exit polls that President Obama’s response to Hurricane Sandy was an issue influencing their vote. 15% percent claimed it was the most important influence. Never mind that Staten Island is still out of power, never mind that FEMAs response was as poor as at Katrina, never mind that the Red Cross was handing out hot cocoa and cookies while not bringing nearly enough food and water. Obama did a great job, didn’t he look so Presidential. Here’s the thing: looking presidential, that’s his job. He’s not Golmer Pile, he can’t literally screw everything up. He got out to the East Coast, looked at a few things, made a speech and packed back up. He didn’t accomplish anything but be President eye-candy.

4. The most negative campaign ever.

We’ll let this speak for itself. ( Or swear, whichever)

There are tons more factors, but let me let you in on a little secret: the policies are not the problems. It was a mismanaged campaign with a number of missteps at the end between the Benghazi scandal and the Orca campaign app. And with Fox News playing the role of Chicken Little, telling the Republican party with every dope they can find that the party needs to change dramatically, I am afraid things might get weird. The suggestions so far on how the Republicans can improve? Become Pro-amnesty, Pro-abortion, Pro-gay marriage. Seems to work for the Democrats, so we should just be the exact same party (ingenius, we’ll simply never see it coming!).

In reality, the Republicans need to field better candidates, reunite the base between the moderates and the Tea Party side, and get some positive mojo going. Hey, this loss was no more resounding than what we laid on the Democrats in 2004, and look where they are now! (Oh, right. Crap).

Brian Gross is happy to have 4 more years to complain, so get to work, Barry!