How To Not Win a Civil War You Are Not Fighting; A Thinkpiece

For this article, I’ll need you to remember two numbers. 1. $500,000,000 and 2. 60.

I know a good number of you have stopped reading because I put this task to you, but hang tough: this is a team effort.

Let’s start with the first number. $500,000,000 is the number of moneys that the United States has invested in the effort to train moderate Syrian soldiers in order to fight the growing threat of Isis in Syria and the Middle East. This number makes no sense in the political landscape, so I’ll try to put it into perspective.

If you went to a Dollar Store, you could by 500,000,000 things (pre-tax). (Assuming they were all one dollar). If you were buying an Island worth $400,000,000, you could still stop at the Dollar Store afterwards.

Now that we’ve established the sheer scope of that money, let’s deal with the other number you have been tasked to remember.

Sixty. As in, the U.S. effort to train moderate Syrian soldiers has resulted 60 soldiers trained. The hope was to train 5,000, but we have 60. I do not want to get over-technical in this post, but that is 1.2% (source: calculator) of the soldiers that they were hoping would wage anti-jihad against ISIS. Another surprising stat, each one of these soldiers are worth $8,333,333.33 (source: rough estimate).

Now, seeing the military genius of President Obama in years passed, I can confidently say that there is more than meets the eye here. Surely this group of men, smaller than the average attendance of a Christian Death Metal concert, is much more than meets the eye. Here are some possible explanations.

  • Have you ever seen the movie the Expendables? Me neither, but I heard a solid summary about it. Perhaps each of these soldiers are the Dolph Lundgren or Mickey Rourke of Syria.
  • Some type of Robo-soldier, like the TV show The Million Dollar Man, but because of our crappy healthcare and super inflation, it takes $8.3 mil a man.
  • Each of these soldiers received a signing bonus, a early success bonus, a referral bonus, and their first 1,000 years of salary upfront.
  • Typical Government idiocracy and waste.

At this point, the Pentagon admits that they are going to no longer try to recruit moderate Syrians, of whom we may have recruited all the ones that aren’t currently refugees in the EU, and they are going to switch gears and teach this group of warriors, the amount of whom could fill two typical classrooms in high school, how to call in air-strikes by the U.S.

Now, that sounds perfect and will definitely defeat President Assad ISIS our hopes for a peaceful Syria, but as a token of goodwill, I have created a list of ideas which we could waste $500,000,000 on more efficiently.

  1. Offer President Bashar al-Assad $500,000,000 to stop being evil. Honestly, that’s a lot of money.
  2. Pay the people we have already trained to fight the wars that we are trying to fight through a collection of soldiers smaller than most lines at a Check’n’Cash. (Proxy wars are sooooo ’80s)
  3. Pay Google $500,000,000 to make all of this go away. (You know as well as I do that they have a secret robot army).
  4. Pile the $500,000,000 on a Pentagram and burn it to please the Old Ones, asking those deities to destroy our enemies.
  5. Invest in infrastructure or some other dumb idea.
  6. Convert the $500,000,000 into Sacagawea dollar coins and literally make it rain on ISIS. (Note: would be pretty awesome.)

Hillary Clinton and The Spirit of the Law

What difference does it make if you know her?

A media-kerfuffle has exploded following relative political newby Hillary Clinton, apparently a former New York Senator and previous Secretary of State. Don’t worry if you haven’t heard of her, even though rumors are abound that she might run for president in 2008 2012 2016.

Apparently, Clinton (D) has been criticized for conducting her Secretary of State business from a private e-mail address, She created a “Homebrew” e-mail server, which is fine, if you want to send spam for your Etsy business to your coworkers without letting Betsy in HR know that you spend 6 hours a day making Heart-Shaped potpourri containers on Angie List’s dime. However, if you are trying to abide by the Freedom of Information Act, then no. That is clearly not okay. (Neither is the potpourri side-hustle, but keep it on the DL).

But don’t worry. In an effort to save face do the rightest thing, Clinton (who may be related to a former president? Damn, she sounds familiar) gave a press conference explaining that she is going to turn over all of the e-mails. I mean half of the e-mails. Because apparently 30,000+ were personal. About yoga, wedding dresses, and e-mails to Bill. (What? Bill Clinton claims he’s only sent two e-mails during his presidency? Wait ’til he sees his inbox!) But she poured through them all in a matter of days to determine what was important and what was personal and handed them over to the State Department. By printing them out on paper and handing over the paper to the state department.

"Hillary,"  he said with a angry fit. "I am the Lorax and that's some low-down shit"
“Hillary,” he said with a angry fit.
“I am the Lorax and this is some shady-ass shit”

Thirty thousand e-mails. Printed. I’d imagine majority are on one sheet of paper, but surely some take two pages. So thirty thousand pages of paper or more. Paper which was electronic. Paper that is not easily searched. Paper that, of course, will need to be scanned with text recognition software in order to be added to the big file of all documents ever in the government. Paper that assuredly will need to be shredded first because it could contain State secrets. Paper that makes the Lorax pissed as hell at the hypocrite wing of the Democrat party. (Need more info? Stop by Al Gore’s Mansion).

And in the process, Hillary stolded (that’s when you told and scolded the American public at the same time, kind of like Presidentsplaining) America that she complied with “both the letter and the spirit of the law.”

Let me drop a heaping helping of funksplaining on you: whenever someone claims they followed the spirit of the law, they didn’t. The whole point of mentioning the spirit of the law is to bring attention to the fact that, on occasion, things are legal and also wrong. Hillary Clinton, in the best case scenario, found a loophole, but at no point, when she conducted State business on a private server that only she, Bill, and the pool boy Marco had access to, when she obfuscated documents in the midst of the investigation of the cover-up in Benghazi that left four Americans dead, when she took it upon herself to parse through her own e-mails and hand over what she considered State business and what she deemed unimportant, did she follow the spirit of the law. And in a country where the Constitution is an afterthought and the Clintons are a by-word for business-as-usual, the spirit of the law doesn’t need this abuse.

At least the NSA assuredly saved all of those e-mails, along with everything else ever written ever. Oh God, did I just say that?

Brian Gross is funky as usually. Support him by sharing this blog before he goes back underground.

The Tax Man Bloweth

I wanted out, but they always drag me back in.

On Friday afternoon, what began in hopes of being an innocuous story dump as the White House Press corps started mixing their first drinks quickly turned into the unraveling of a scandal that will assuredly dog the Obama administration into the 2014 midterms. The Internal Revenue Service, in performing their exemplary duties of taking from Peter to pay Paul, decided to start also keeping tabs on tax-exempt Conservative groups. Because that’s not terrifying.

First off, the administration’s reaction of blaming the Cincinnati branch’s base-level employees is clearly, as we have seen with Benghazi, a smoke screen to protect higher-ups. We saw this same blame with the large scale release of arrested illegal immigrants when the administration tried to create a monster out of the sequester. But what is new is how confidently they threw those Cincinnati employees under the bus when evidence to the contrary has so quickly come out, and already by Monday was it clear that this was an active strategy being employed against these groups.

Secondly, the targeting was not solely on Tea Party groups, as both the administration and the IRS have claimed, but instead indiscriminately focusing on politically right-leaning groups of all sorts. Again, the claim was made so confidently that it nearly sounded as if the administration had consulted the IRS before it spoke. The targets went so far as groups which questioned how the country was being led. (If this was done under George W. Bush, the question of impeachment would be when, not if.) The type of information the agency demanded, to be informed of all volunteers in these organizations, to name donors, is simply beyond the scope of anything the IRS should or could be involved in. Therefore it must go deeper.

However, this is the truly exasperating part. We all know what the IRS is, we all know how intentionally inaccessible the agency has become. (Don’t believe me? Try calling their help line, talk to a human being, and then resume reading when you’re done in four days). The IRS has created a mystique of an all-knowing nature, that you need to fill that 1040 out to the T in order to keep the ever-watchful eye of Sauron off of you. And you know how intimidating the IRS can be if even one item is out of order. A constant stream of letters, opaque language filled with reference codes, and demands for immediate action. 

But the IRS in my mind was previously at least a neutral beast. The beatnik in central park reciting Thoreau and the mountain man prepper in the hills of South Carolina living Thoreau could both come together to agree that the agency was horrifying, intransparent and heavy-handed those G-men could be. But now, the agency is taking sides. Maybe it reads the writing on the wall, maybe it realizes that those meddling small governmenters would only lead to a reduction in the power of the agency. But I think it has gotten a taste what is to come: the implementation of Obamacare, the revenue collection end of which it will undertake. The expansion of power must simply be intoxicating to the IRS, so who can blame them for taking sides? 

And that is the future towards which we’re haphazardly hurtling. In a matter of months the IRS will assume responsibility in funding the largest expansion of government since Henry the Eighth made the Church of England. And those are the people, the scary IRS agents with a grudge against conservatives, who will decide how much healthcare you get. Better not join any groups.

As for the true involvement of the administration, I am sure it is minimal. Al Capone never needed to point out a rat to an underling and say “Now kill that guy, please.” In a time when Conservative has become a by-word for ignorant homophobic racist, when the Vice President likened Tea Party members to terrorists, when the President is allowed to decide what he previously said on Benghazi and when, it should be no surprise when an apolitical government agency has taken sides in quelling the opposition. Unfortunately, we live in a culture of fear and intimidation for thoughts and opinions, and those agents in the IRS had no doubts on how exactly to curry favor with the ruling class. 

His Grossness is back. Tell your neighbors, tell your friends, but for the love of God don’t tell the IRS.

Spy Game


Gen. Petraeus’ face after discharging his weapon.

General David Petraeus stepped down last week over allegations that he engaged in an illicit affair with biographer Paula Broadwell (which I think is a lazy way to conclude the biography. “And then I started banging him”). This story, on the whole, doesn’t matter, even though Petraeus had been one of the last white knights in the American Psyche (as I understand it, he won the war in Iraq with the Surge, in which he rushed in with Knife-class/lightweight on).

However, Petraeus is the Director of the CIA, which had a substantial role in attack on the Libyan Consulate (read: gave orders for to “stand down” and not help the Ambassador). The whole thing stinks to high hell, the House of Representatives is investigating and BAM: sex scandal. This should keep the reporters busy for a while.

But one crack-journalist with a nose for the truth is on the case, has his coffee, and is ready to blow this one wide open.

I don’t know if I buy the conspiracy theory that this is all to cover up Libya (ok, I just can’t afford it). The sexcapades probably happened, and is tactically let loose as a smoke screen. I say this because our Government is simple hapless when it comes to conspiracy theories (remember the Youtube video that caused the riot on the embassy? Me neither, but young gun reporter HisGrossness poke some holes in that pretty damn fast with lots of Moxy).

But let’s talk about the fact that the Director of the CIA, supposed to have more secrets than Nick Fury, was seduced by this woman.

And if you’re about to say “what if he seduced her?” Then scroll back up and look at his O face.

I’m not saying she’s not attractive, but really? And I’ll admit, Gen. Petraeus’ wife is a bag of premixed Frumpiness (comes with two free cats!), so it’s not like the motivation is lacking. And learning from Tiger Woods, some men will cheat on any woman with anything.

I’m guessing it was the conversation, they both loved talking about Gen. Petraeus. I suppose they might have even made up a fiction about being star-crossed lovers and how this was their story, etc, while Petraeus released a deluge of classified documents (imagine the stories we’ll tell the kids one day!)

But the secrecy on this affair didn’t last long. They had what could be called a relationship for 2 years, intermingled with working on his book (an indepth interview, that’s what we’ll call it). But shouldn’t this be the type of thing to which our spies are immune?

Not pictured: The woman 007 is currently banging when the picture was taken.

Case in point: James Bond. All he does is bone and booze. Beside thwarting comically evil characters, it’s what Bond does best. Bond often seduces women just to keep himself sharp. Why? To save god-damned Her Royal Majesty’s England (The only woman he’d bone and really mean it).

What if this Paula had been trained to be seductive? What if, instead of boning for the sake of writing a better biography, she had been boning for the sake of international espionage. They shared e-mails with classified information over GMail for America’s sake! The entire thing is so laughable that you could never expect a real Bond-audience to believe it.

“But, HisGrossness,” you retort, “Don’t you think you’re basing your knowledge of international espionage a little too much on a campy 1960’s series that went a little too long?”

Valid point, gentle reader, but turn your attention back to Femme Fatale Anna Chapman (how could you not?), whose Russian spying antics single-handedly heated up the Cold War (which, despite Ronald Reagan’s best efforts, I consider to be still on). This was the type of thing she was, you know, trained for.

I am containing myself out of sheer Patriotism, my comrade commie hussy.

Why is this a big deal? Ask any man what she was guilty of actually doing in turns of international espionage, and we’ll all come up blank. Show us the picture, we’ll say “Oh, the Russian Spy?” and we’ll all… well, I think you get the point (I think it was gonna be another penis joke).

Was the secret plan for Anna Chapman to seduce Gen. Petraeus? Probably not, but it doesn’t help when we reveal that our leaders are pretty much vulnerable to the exact approach our enemy uses. When we need to be on guard from attacks from all fronts (and behinds), our military shows how frustrated their heads really are. (oops, sorry, Freudian Penis! I mean, slip). But I hope we can get off the subject of Petraeus and his privates in time to actually talk about Benghazi (which, if you remember, I already kind of cracked… NBD)

If you are now all hot and bothered by Russian women, take a peek at this article about Pussy Riot!, a band which is fighting for the freedom of speech that I used at least 6 times in this article.

HisGrossness could only be seduced by Lady Liberty, who is far too classy for him. Help out his odds by following him and reading his silly words! (He used the word ‘bone’ five times in this article).

Stimulating Lies: How America’s Bailout is being Resold

David Firestone wrote in the Sunday Editorials of the New York Times an engaging article about how the universally-canned stimulus package was actually a success. He cites “The New New Deal,” Michael Grunwald’s new book which vindicates the most heinous example of Government over-reach in efforts to recast President Obama not as the lightweight scrapper from Chicago who won the hearts of America but the 21st century’s Franklin Roosevelt. And if it’s in a book it has to be true (look out for pigs trying to walk on two feet).

Oh sweet, a new road! I can drive on it to get to all those businesses that …closed. Crap.

The article is well written, pointed, and an enjoyable read, like most fiction. Unfortunately, this fictionalized version of the Stimulus package is the new rallying cry for the Left. Why? Well, they think they might need to sell it to us just one more time.

The 2009 American Recovery and Reinvestment Act did a lot of things. Firestone (truly the name of a worthy adversary) claims it saved or created 2.5 million jobs. And whichever economist on Team Obama thought up that brilliant phrase got a promotion and a yacht. Think about that: saved or created. How can that ever be quantified, what is the threshold? I put out the trash this morning, that saved one sanitation worker’s job. I bought a cup of coffee (or five) and saved two baristas’ jobs. And they saved a coffee bean farmer’s job by buying those coffee beans, so I get credit for that one, too. On Spotify, I listened to Cat Power and bought some stuff on Amazon. I’m a god-damned humanitarian. You know what else we call saving or creating jobs? Engaging in a complex economy. I’m going to go on the record, right now, and state I’ve saved 2,500,001 jobs in my lifetime and announce my candidacy for 2012.

Same deal when he says the Stimulus saved America from 12% unemployment. Firestone seems to think that because you can’t disprove a negative, it is fair game. But why not go big? I say, the ARRA kept us from 100% unemployment, and my sunny disposition kept it from raining today.

I don’t know if we could have ever hit 12% unemployment. The measurement is skewed in such a way, reflecting only people actually actively looking for a job, so as that pool grows with displaced workers, and the search gets all the more competitive, people with less desirable skills generally drift away from the workforce. I’m not one of those underemployment nuts (who cites a number around 17% just for headlines), but there is a reason why unemployment generally stays between 6-10%. Jay Leno made the joke that Obama, happy to hear that unemployment dropped, encouraged more people to give up searching for jobs. And of course Obama didn’t really do that, his economic policies handled that just fine.

A large chunk of money was reinvested into our infrastructure, which President Barack “You didn’t build that” Obama credits for creating jobs. So we created all the right condition for the recovery, we just never really did the recovery part. The roads look good though.

Firestone points to the $1.5 billion directed at subsidizing rent and mortgage control, as well as increases to food stamps, Medicaid, etc. While these are important to help struggling families weather the fiscal storm, that is not stimulus. That is stoploss. That is artificially creating a floor for the poorest of Americans waiting for things to get better. Except thing have not gotten better, economic conditions are still abysmal, and we bought time that resulted in nothing. Conditions have just been inflated by constant federal money pumping through the economy, but lipstick on a pig does not make a lady (trust me, I’m from Indiana, I’ve seen it tried).

The problem isn’t that the Stimulus failed miserably. The problem is that is was a dazzling big number with a suspicious number of lumps going back towards large Obama campaign supporters, between big labor and most notably energy company Solyndra, whose biggest investor George Kaiser coincidentally donated $33,600 to Obama ’08.

Don’t get me wrong, I love it when journalists rehash old numbers and hope to get new results (call it super math) and have to write an article to convince others (Hey, remember the Great Recession? Us neither, wasn’t it grand?). But I’m going to make one of my famous Grosser predicitions: When you are an old man or lady, long after I’ve gunned down due to a international cheese incident, historians are going to look back and teach your grandkids (in future school) that the ARRA saved America, that it really was the New New Deal. This is going to be a constant historical clashing point between ideologies, and Stimulus supporters will constantly find new numbers to say the same hopelessly silly mantra: Isn’t it wonderful how Government can fix everything?

History used to be written by the winners, now it is written by the children of privilege who, going to Harvard, didn’t have to actually live through it. And when you try tell your grandkids what it was really like, they won’t believe you, like you never believed your grandparents, and you’ll finally understand the word irony.

-Brian Gross

Brian is just angry that the Federal Government turned down his “Self-sustaining Coffee Farm in the Kitchen”. Make him happier by sending some traffic his way.

CTU Strikes Back

“Karen Lewis has got to get paid, son” -CTU President Karen Lewis.

Post this one in the “Grosser called it” column.

On Sunday at midnight, the Chicago Teachers Union declared that they were walking away from negotiations and going on strike, leaving the Chicago Public Schools holding the bag (full of uneductated children).

Classic labor versus capitalist pig bosses, right? Well, no. This isn’t the Wisconsin teachers against Gov. Scott Walker, an ideological fight between parties. Chicago is a city almost solely run by Democrats. Illinois is primarily blue. The Governor is a Democrat. Hometown of Barack Obama. Even the bums are prescreened for political affiliation (but if you’re looking for handouts, you’re probably already a democrat. Am I right, folks?)

You know things are dire in Chicago when, in a labor debate, I’m rooting for Rahm Emanuel (no, really, Rahmmy, I’m with you.)

Democrats are the friends of big labor, Democrats are the ones who talk about stripping away No Child Left Behind, paying teachers generous sums, revamping schools, pumping money into education. That’s what I thought, at least while Democrats are opposition.

And being the opposition is what Democrats do best. They have wonderful ideas for forming a eutopic society, free of guns, crime, with happy teachers in every classroom and students who can read good in some of them. Also no one is fat.

When it comes to implementation, however, we get to see the math behind the theory. (Spoil alert: it doesn’t work). But in summation, Chicago Public Schools are staring down the barrel of a 1 ba-ba-billion shortfall next year. So of course, the teachers want their cut.

Negotiations broke down over a few contention points: salary increases, school day length, number of teachers, teacher evaluations and job security. So surely Rahm spat on a piece of paper, offered it, and told them to get to work, right?

No, unfortunately, Mayor Rahm Emanuel is no Gov. Chris Christie. Here are the things that were offered when the teachers walked from the table:

1. 16% pay increase over 4 years, jumped from the original offer of 2%.

2. 477 new teachers to be hired to increase art classes and relieve some of the burden on teachers on the lengthened day.

3. Guarantee that high school teachers would only teach 5 classes in a day.

4. Guarantee that laid off teachers would get 12 months pay as well as an interview for any openings.

This atop the fact that teachers are making on average $76,000 a year. Or, more precisely, $76,000/9mos, because working year-round is not mandatory.

Folks at home, struggling to pay the bills (Recessionites, I like to call ourselves), collect your jaws. You have to understand where the teachers are coming from when they turned down such a fabulous deal.

These benefits all mean nothing without stripping principals of the power to remove failing teachers and regulate teacher evaluations. Because surely you would not fault them, having all this cake, to eat it too. They set themselves up a cushy deal where they are only expected to pass around 60%, hardly half of those students at grade level, and you can’t think they wouldn’t secure themselves in position.

Karen Lewis has claimed that the new teacher evaluation system will lead to as many as 6,000 teachers being laid off. Rahm has replied that that number is obviously exaggerated and that he apparently has more confidence in the teachers than CTU. I say, sucks to suck, teachers.

Again, we here at Republican Funk love teachers. We think its a challenging, noble profession that demands self sacrifice and eats up the rest of your life. That said, its easy to pick out the slime that clearly isn’t doing it for the challenge or for the love of the children.

So to watch CTU teachers imitating Occupy Wallstreet tactics, marching into the streets, flaunting the facts that they want more when some don’t have any is downright heartbreaking. Especially for the parents who are suddenly left with their kids, many of whom have two working parents, watching these teachers purposefully interrupt Loop trains and marching up and down streets mid-rush hour traffic.

The strike has also pitted Rahm against former boss and Chicago’s son Barack Obama, who has kept silent during the ongoings but has previously voiced support for CTU. While campaigning for his job back, it wouldn’t serve Obama well to be caught on either side, but Emanuel’s tacet ties with the administration strain Obama’s attempts to stay in the middle ground.

Rahm Emanuel has already insisted on returning students to the classrooms and negotiators to the table. (I don’t know if Karen Lewis can take any more of that marching around). Students are still out of the classrooms as of Thursday with rumors of a possible return to classes on Friday. Time will tell, but Grosser can guess.

Teacher Strike Results:

Rahm puts a forbearance on the implementation of the new teacher evaluation, classes resume mid-next week, teachers grumble enough to force negotiations again in two years, and we deal with this again. Oh, and maybe Karen Lewis gives Jimmy Hoffa a visit under Jets Stadium for having angered Rahm.

The worst result from the strike? (No, not the uneducated kids, they are already not getting taught while in school) this forced Rahm Emanuel into becoming an accidental Republican. Fighting big labor? Advocating school choice? Getting support from Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan for your stance? Expect your placard and edible arrangement soon, Rahmmy, and I’ll teach you the secret Republican handshake if you just meet me over the border where it’s safe.

Conservative; An RNC Reflection

You heard the man.

If you are reading this, there are a few things I can safely assume without running the risk of making an ass out of anyone (you and me included). You are young, because you found a thing that was on the internet. You’re right leaning, middle, or at least indifferent, because I’ve received a surprisingly low amount of hate-mail. And if you’re like me, you’ve found a sparse amount of political writing from Republicans who weren’t either mind-bogglingly isolationist or terrifyingly imperialistic (I’m both), with such a high opinion of their own moral code that you’d think you were reading a puritan time traveller (they have those?). Or, you are possibly Jeffrey Thomas, Paul Ryan’s and my arch-nemesis, scanning my treatise for an accidentally revealed weakness (keep reading, my Wisconsonian foe, I’ve revealed nothing!)

But I’m fired up after the Republican National Convention and it has made me consider exactly why being a Republican feels so good at a time like this. And I think it is because, for once, the politicians might stick to the Conservative Ideals they so proudly tout during the primaries.

A side note: despite the title of the blog, I am not strictly a Republican. I am foremost a Conservative, and if the Dog-Wrangling Australian Philharmonic Party promised smaller government, a return to fiscal discipline, and a sound foreign policy based on long term interests and not flash-in-the-pan revolutions, then I’d identify with them and try to push the DWAPP acronym as far as it would go.

After the Todd Akin debacle, understanding the difference between Republican and Conservative is crucial for this election. What Todd Akin rambled about is often confused for Conservative values, and it’s a senatorial race ,not a values referendum. The fiscal issues are a winning ticket alone, with no need to start shredding our P.R. with moral nonsense. Mitch Daniels suggested a truce on social issues during his short lived bid for the ticket and was lambasted from primary-darlings like Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry. But that is exactly what country needs: some focus on what fight we want to fight right now.

If you are a politician running for a seat on the hill, listen up. You know those things you feel about other people and the way they live their lives? Say them to yourself in the mirror in the morning and then never again for the rest of your day. The public sphere is no place to spout those beliefs. They are your own, keep it that way. Liberals do a good enough job telling the country who we must accept (everyone) and who we must bully (rich white people). Don’t stoop to their level in picking what people should like.

A recent study has proven that the possibility of gay marriage has not raised the deficit one cent. Legitimate rapes have not affected the burden on the struggling middle class. And yet Republican nominees are pissing away perfectly good momentum to revive the ancient position of the Censor.

The role of the politician is not to dictate what they consider morally right, but to decide on the role of the government within the lives of the people. And to do so by the approval of the people.

Presently, the threat to our nation is expansive role of the Government in the lives of the people. The current administration has decided to take over the Healthcare industry, pick winning horses among the motor companies, tell churches that they must fund healthcare plans that include abortions in a clear transgression of the separation of Church and State. What worse way to respond than to tell the voters how the Republicans will invade your lives with a different agenda?

Clint Eastwood stated this best during his speech that “There are a lot of conservative people, a lot of moderate people, Republicans, Democrats, in Hollywood. It is just that the conservative people by the nature of the word itself play closer to the vest. They do not go around hot dogging it.” (If this didn’t get you so pumped up that you watched A Fistful of Dollars, crying and humming the Star-Spangled Banner, nothing ever will).

This is the exactly attitude we need going into the next two months. No hot dogging opinions when the facts do fine. It should not be a question of whether gay marriage is right or wrong, but how can we make it so that the most amount of people are involved with the decision making process (vote at the State level?). It shouldn’t be a question of the morality of abortion, but the right of an institution to determine morality. In short, for the Republicans to win in the fall, the election must be a referendum on the philosophy Reagan stated so eloquently “In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem.”

This belief was not unique to 1981. It is a reoccurring theme in the American people’s battle against a well-meaning, paternalistic government that has come to look unknowingly like the British Empire it rebelled against.

Liberalism in America fails because it relies on the belief that the best answer for any problem must come from the Government. The idea is that the country is not perfect, but that it is perfectable through constant intervention by the benevolent State. Republicans can’t respond to this with the opposite opinion, but consistently question the value of expansive role of the government against the loss of liberty.

The DNC launched a video recently that claims “The Government is the only thing we all belong to.” Outside the idea that by belong, they meant are owned by, which because of their lazy use of language is directly implied by the phrase, the video seems to mean that the only thing that unites us is the Government under which we exist. The idea is that, beyond of any religious affiliation or idea of a universal human connection, the Government is the only power that binds us together. And, judging by the way the Obama campaign blames the rich while extending their tax-cuts, I guess the Government is the only thing that turns us against each other, too.

If this idea, that the Government is the most important of all your connections to your fellow man, terrifies the piss out of you, congratulations, you just might be a Conservative.

-Brian Gross

Brian is a self-proclaimed enemy of the little man. Help Brian’s anti-midget agenda by sharing this article with friends, family, and that new girl in the office. You know, that cute girl that told you her name but you forgot, so you keep saying “Hey, you” when she walks by, but she’s totally on to you that you forgot. Yeah, share it with her, too.