Octobers are programmed for wackiness. Case in point, Halloween and Turkmenistan’s Independence Day. This is more true than ever on election years, where according to top astrologers, malign spirits come out to haunt presidential campaigns. That is why we pack it with all four national sports and hope the god Octob mercifully passes the month watching Hockey and Baseball at the same time (hence Passover). Have I demonstrated enough of an ignorance for the month? Perfect, let’s start exploring the possible October Surprises in store for Romney and Obama’s campaign.
6. Congressman Todd Akin Doubles Down on Legitimate Rape.
Falling into the “Why the hell did you open your mouth” category was Todd Akin’s comment about legitimate rape, coupling it with science so flawed it made Isaac Newton’s skeleton blush (in Hell, because that’s where all people who believe the Earth goes around the Sun end up). And while Akin has decided to stay in the race for now, I anticipate another flub in the near future in efforts to amend for his previous comment, possibly adding the platform to his campaign “To Make Legitimate Rape Super-Illegal.” What has been more comical is the extreme reaction from editorials on the left, with one Huffpo editor insinuating that it is Akin’s fault for rape in the Congo. Despite the fact that Akin’s term as Congressman of the Congo was mostly successful (wait, what?), it is interesting the see the ways some people try to stretch a story. One can only hope, after the GOP and RNC have cut all ties to the renegade candidate, that this train-wreck of a campaign can at least keep us laughing.
5.Vice-President Joe Biden switches sides and starts supporting the Obama-Biden campaign.
Epitomizing the maxim “With enemies like this, who needs friends” is Joe Biden, once erroneously considered a safe VP pick and currently a mouth-piece for his own seniling mind. After mistaking the state he was in (which is only awesome if you are a drugged-out rockstar, kids), Biden claimed that the Republicans were going to “put you all back in chains” to a primarily black crowd. While most people are criticizing the VP for his serious lack of tact and decorum in the second highest office in the land, I applaud him for refraining from the phrase “you people” (what do you mean you people?). This can all be turned around if Biden was simply set out in October to start campaigning for Mitt Romney. Not to put ideas out there for the Obama campaign, but they would never see it coming (especially Biden).
4. Paul Ryan’s Black Ex-Girlfriend (or is it Ex-Black Girlfriend?) comes out and talks about his dong.
While Root Reporter Kelli Goff claims that the fact Paul Ryan had a black ex-girlfriend makes him even more racist (possible super-racist), the rest of us have only been mildly intrigued by the blatant smoke and mirrors effort. The only thing that is now unanswered is that age-old adage “Once you go Irish-Conservative Wisconsonian….”
3. Mitt Romney outs himself as two dwarves dressed in an overcoat.
October is Dwarfism awareness month (not aware of them? try looking lower…). Sure, electing the country’s first half-black President is progressive, but how progressive are we going for here? Because I would love to use the argument “If you don’t vote for Romney, you’re a little bit prejudiced.” Q. Has that argument been used by team Obama? A. “They’re going to put y’all back in chains!”
They’re going put y’all back in the Wonka Factory!
2. Putin calls Obama a pussy, pushes him, tells him to “Do something”.
While this has symbolically been happening for the last four years with Russia’s blatant disregard for Iranian and Syrian sanctions, coupled with an increase of military spending and a crackdown on free speech (#FreePussyRiot), I foresee a tiff between the two leaders culminating in a showdown behind the jungle-gym during recess of the United Nations (Q. how is the U.N. like a public school? A. Americans are paying way too much for piss poor results.)
This October surprise in particular could swing both ways. If Obama, whose only military track record consists of taking credit for the Osama assassination (when he clearly set up a fall-guy of Admiral William McRaven in case the operation was botched), laid a royal ass-whooping on the Judo-expert Putin, he’d handily be elected President of America (and anywhere else fist-fighting is revered). On the other hand, if the Harvard professor half of him got his shit kicked in, Americans would shuffle their way on their way in November to a man who was reportedly a bully in high school (O’Doyle Rules!) In the rare event that only by their combined powers can Obama and Romney defeat Putin, you’re looking at your first Co-Presidents.
1. Iran-Israel war breaks out (like I told you guys!) and America votes a referendum on Nuclear War.
This one is most likely to be the case, especially because Israel can’t stop talking about how they plan to attack in October, and how it’s supposed to be a surprise. But the beginnings of an international war will change the tunes of the campaigns from “Whose fault were the things that happened in Obama’s presidency?” to “Should we become involved in this International War?” And while Obama has made no friend with Israeli (famously kicking Netanyahu out of the side door of the White House), he’ll probably not decide to help Iran, whose Ahmadinejad has this nasty habit of calling us “The Great Satan” (ironically, I’m sure). Whereas Romney has visited Israel as a candidate, Obama has not visited, as the President, “America’s closest ally“(2:33). Depending on if Americans would like to see a genocide in Israel or not, the election could become a referendum on how to deal with the crisis.
Personally, I’m hoping for a combination of these events, with at least one surprise dwarf and possibly Maury Povich informing somebody that they are not the father.