Six Possible ‘October Surprises’ In Store for This… October

Octobers are programmed for wackiness. Case in point, Halloween and Turkmenistan’s Independence Day. This is more true than ever on election years, where according to top astrologers, malign spirits come out to haunt presidential campaigns. That is why we pack it with all four national sports and hope the god Octob mercifully passes the month watching Hockey and Baseball at the same time (hence Passover). Have I demonstrated enough of an ignorance for the month? Perfect, let’s start exploring the possible October Surprises in store for Romney and Obama’s campaign.

6. Congressman Todd Akin Doubles Down on Legitimate Rape.

Falling into the “Why the hell did you open your mouth” category was Todd Akin’s comment about legitimate rape, coupling it with science so flawed it made Isaac Newton’s skeleton blush (in Hell, because that’s where all people who believe the Earth goes around the Sun end up). And while Akin has decided to stay in the race for now, I anticipate another flub in the near future in efforts to amend for his previous comment, possibly adding the platform to his campaign “To Make Legitimate Rape Super-Illegal.” What has been more comical is the extreme reaction from editorials on the left, with one Huffpo editor insinuating that it is Akin’s fault for rape in the Congo. Despite the fact that Akin’s term as Congressman of the Congo was mostly successful (wait, what?), it is interesting the see the ways some people try to stretch a story. One can only hope, after the GOP and RNC have cut all ties to the renegade candidate, that this train-wreck of a campaign can at least keep us laughing.

5.Vice-President Joe Biden switches sides and starts supporting the Obama-Biden campaign.

Epitomizing the maxim “With enemies like this, who needs friends” is Joe Biden, once erroneously considered a safe VP pick and currently a mouth-piece for his own seniling mind. After mistaking the state he was in (which is only awesome if you are a drugged-out rockstar, kids), Biden claimed that the Republicans were going to “put you all back in chains” to a primarily black crowd. While most people are criticizing the VP for his serious lack of tact and decorum in the second highest office in the land, I applaud him for refraining from the phrase “you people” (what do you mean you people?). This can all be turned around if Biden was simply set out in October to start campaigning for Mitt Romney. Not to put ideas out there for the Obama campaign, but they would never see it coming (especially Biden).

4. Paul Ryan’s Black Ex-Girlfriend (or is it Ex-Black Girlfriend?) comes out and talks about his dong.

While Root Reporter Kelli Goff claims that the fact Paul Ryan had a black ex-girlfriend makes him even more racist (possible super-racist), the rest of us have only been mildly intrigued by the blatant smoke and mirrors effort. The only thing that is now unanswered is that age-old adage “Once you go Irish-Conservative Wisconsonian….”

3. Mitt Romney outs himself as two dwarves dressed in an overcoat.

October is Dwarfism awareness month (not aware of them? try looking lower…). Sure, electing the country’s first half-black President is progressive, but how progressive are we going for here? Because I would love to use the argument “If you don’t vote for Romney, you’re a little bit prejudiced.” Q. Has that argument been used by team Obama? A. “They’re going to put y’all back in chains!”

They’re going put y’all back in the Wonka Factory!

2. Putin calls Obama a pussy, pushes him, tells him to “Do something”.

While this has symbolically been happening for the last four years with Russia’s blatant disregard for Iranian and Syrian sanctions, coupled with an increase of military spending and a crackdown on free speech (#FreePussyRiot), I foresee a tiff between the two leaders culminating in a showdown behind the jungle-gym during recess of the United Nations (Q. how is the U.N. like a public school? A. Americans are paying way too much for piss poor results.)

This October surprise in particular could swing both ways. If Obama, whose only military track record consists of taking credit for the Osama assassination (when he clearly set up a fall-guy of Admiral William McRaven in case the operation was botched), laid a royal ass-whooping on the Judo-expert Putin, he’d handily be elected President of America (and anywhere else fist-fighting is revered). On the other hand, if the Harvard professor half of him got his shit kicked in, Americans would shuffle their way on their way in November to a man who was reportedly a bully in high school (O’Doyle Rules!) In the rare event that only by their combined powers can Obama and Romney defeat Putin, you’re looking at your first Co-Presidents.

1. Iran-Israel war breaks out (like I told you guys!) and America votes a referendum on Nuclear War.

This one is most likely to be the case, especially because Israel can’t stop talking about how they plan to attack in October, and how it’s supposed to be a surprise. But the beginnings of an international war will change the tunes of the campaigns from “Whose fault were the things that happened in Obama’s presidency?” to “Should we become involved in this International War?” And while Obama has made no friend with Israeli (famously kicking Netanyahu out of the side door of the White House), he’ll probably not decide to help Iran, whose Ahmadinejad  has this nasty habit of calling us “The Great Satan” (ironically, I’m sure). Whereas Romney has visited Israel as a candidate, Obama has not visited, as the President, “America’s closest ally“(2:33). Depending on if Americans would like to see a genocide in Israel or not, the election could become a referendum on how to deal with the crisis.

Personally, I’m hoping for a combination of these events, with at least one surprise dwarf and possibly Maury Povich informing somebody that they are not the father.


WAR! and also, How to Lose That Stubborn Belly-Fat

Ahmadinejad reportedly inquiring “You wanna settle this right here, right now?”

The ever-looming war between Iran and Israel has a lot of similarities between the fight between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. Both have talked a big game, both have diehard supporters who cannot wait for the confrontation, both have been delayed for no real reason, both are based behind century-old religious differences (I think) and in both cases, the result is pretty much obvious. The only difference, when Mayweather gets his face punched off, he won’t be able to retaliate with nuclear weapons so power that only Superman will be able to put the world back on axis (just to save that ugly-ass Louis Lane).

In all reality, I believe we will witness a full war between Israel and Iran within the next 5 years. And I say that because I expect it within the next 5 months, but I figure I’ll give myself some wiggle room. The intensity of the rhetoric has picked up, the Middle-East has become somehow even less stable due to the “Arab Spring”, and Iran has increased efforts toward Nuclear armament. Israeli-American joint efforts against the development, through the Stuxnet and Flame viruses that crippled the Iranian scientists’ efforts by sabotaging centrifuges as well as some bad-ass CIA motorcycle bombing, have been exposed, putting America, ostensibly the neutral negotiator, in a position to either go all in and defend their closest ally or back out completely. And of course, America has made their stance clear.

Oh, wait, no, America has muddled through the tensions. Ignoring Barack Obama’s disgraceful treatment of the Israeli Prime Minister (maybe he learned that behavior sitting in anti-semite Reverend Wright’s sermons), the rhetoric between the two countries is heating up at the worst possible time —election season. With the President more concerned with Mitt Romney’s tax returns than the possible catalyst to WWIII, the concern has been demoted so far that only water-boy Jay Carney has time to speak about it. “We feel confident that we would be able to detect a break-out move by Iran towards the acquisition of a nuclear weapon.”

What, by the smoking crater and raining ash behind the “Welcome to Israel” sign? Ignoring the fact that Carney is a wiener, is this the guy who is keeping his eyes on it? At what point will the President of the United States stand up to the escalating Iran, who is clearly lying while they say “What nuclear program? We’re just developing this technology for… energy… yeah, that’s the ticket, energy,” and set a firm line in the sand.

If you’re wondering why I don’t want Iran to have a nuclear weapon, you haven’t been listening to enough Ayatollah in the A.M. (popular persian radio station). Escaped chimpanzee and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has stated at Tehran University (Go State!) recently “The existence of the Zionist regime is an insult to all humanity” and has repeatedly stated he intends to wipe Israel off the map. This, in conjunction with that whole nuclear program-thing we just discussed, should make future events pretty obvious.

“Yeah,” you say, “that’s what they say over there. But isn’t it all just rhetoric? Hasn’t Ahmadinejad been jammering on like this since 2005?” True, except after the Arab Spring, things have changed. Iran has already clamped down on internal dissent and has been forced to amp up their rhetoric to keep up with escalating tensions. What better way to draw dissenting parties back in than a war against every radical muslim’s favorite enemy (no, not Porky the Pig).

For you closet Anti-semites out their who aren’t terrified by this prospect, let me rephrase this. A group of people are about to be obliterated by another group. Most of these people are innocent, normal people who will be at school at the time, or at the store, or with their kids.

The alternative? Israel initiates a surprise attack that disarms most of Iran’s nuclear options, but judging by the Jews’ popularity in the region, that could only open up an excuse for Egypt and Syria’s engagement in a “justified war”. Otherwise, Israel and American could lead a strike against Iran, but the Middle-East is still pretty sore after those other “interventions” we’ve pulled in the region.

So will voting for Mitt Romney fix this? Probably not. Mitt, unlike his opponent, has actually visited Israel and already expressed his support. Maybe the prospect of an American leader with some backbone will convince Ahmadinejad to cool his jets, but it’s doubtful. Current affairs have gone too far. Similar to when Saddam Hussein was hiding the weapons of mass destruction he didn’t have from investigators in order to not expose his country’s weakness, the bluff might be the only thing giving legitimacy to Ahmadinejad’s regime in the world’s eyes. Why would he give concrete proof that he’s weaponless?

No, I am truly afraid that this one went a little too far. Diplomacy can buy time, but both Israel and Iran can not exist with nuclear weapons. It’s not a matter of even when? at this point, but how bad?. And yes, its two smaller countries way the heck over there, but so were Austria and Serbia in 1914. And look where we wound up. (If you don’t get that reference, google it and then reenlist yourself in 6th grade history, you dolt.)

Luckily, we live in an age with such communication and quick reaction that the whole mess will probably be over by time we wake up to incredibly bright flashes in the East. And at that point, not even I will say I told you so.

Brian Gross is a Freelance Firefighter in his daytime, and a globetrotter in his Facebook stalking. Read other articles, check out other stuff, and support your local rant-artist. 

Five Reasons Paul Ryan is a Positive Pick

Romney & Ryan walking to a loop of “Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangster”

I am no Political Scientist here (the beakers and chemicals are for… recreation. Yeah, that’s the ticket) but I can call a bold pick when I see one and Paul Ryan as Mitt Romney’s running mate is as bold as they come. Obviously the Republican Party, and especially the growing Conservative breed, is chocked full of candidates licking their lips to go toe to toe with Joe “Insert Gaff Here” Biden, but after an especially taxing primary, Romney selected the perfect sidekick to bolster his appeal with the doubters in the right field and the moderate midfield who questions Romney’s experience outside his governorship.

A note: had those despicable Boilermakers at Purdue University not scooped up IN Governor Mitch Daniels, I would have been lambasting Mitt for missing an easy pickup. As it is, we will have an opportunity to witness something totally unheard of: Cost-Effective Higher Education.

Matt Gross has already said that the Romney-Ryan ticket has an alliteration strength to win over the unemployed English Major constituency. But in the interest of those people who need 5 reasons to believe anything, here they are for why Ryan’s a quality pick.

5. The Kid Knows The Numbers

When you’re running as opposition to the biggest tax hike in American History (Read:Free Healthcare), it helps to draft the Chairman of the House Budget Committee. Ryan’s been sharpening his teeth on the easy target of Pelosicare (don’t be sexist, she did all the heavy lifting) and he’s built an arsenal of attacks against the behemoth. While Nancy says we need to pass it to know what’s in it, this cat accounted for every last penny and knows what a burden it will put on the nation. Anyone can recognize the urgency for universal healthcare’s repeal, he can put it in real terms.

Ryan has also been pumping out realistic budgets in 2008 and 2012. While we live in a post-budget country (ooh, shiny. Buy, buy, buy!), Ryan’s takes into account the fact that the country is nearly insolvent with a ballooning debt that all the other politicians forget in between elections. In short, Ryan’s a Conservative’s Conservative.

4. The Kid is Young

This is a strange one to point out, but Paul Ryan has been in politics for a little over a decade, which is a shockingly low number compared to some who wandered onto the hill and never found their way down (is Strom Thurmond still alive? Either way, I think he still is active in Congress). Such a young pick is a daring thing, but brings it’s own benefits. When you’ve barely been shaving in Washington, and kept a fairly low profile, you’re less likely to be sitting in the pocket of lobbies or found yourself embarrassingly involved in a hooker’s untimely death. Not saying that professional muckrakers won’t find out about the time that Paul didn’t call the girl the next day or the goat he sacrificed to join Delta Tau Delta (I hear they do that), but when a politician spends decades meandering the ivory halls, waiting for the call to the big time, it’s more likely they’ll find some trouble while they’re at it. Hopefully, embarrassing soundbites will be limited to his time working in the Wienermobile.

3. The Kid isn’t a Demographic Pin-Up

Extra, extra! White Male Politician slated for VEEP.

Not selling any papers? (What is, nowadays?) But he’s the important thing. Romney had the pick of the litter for the bench clearing brawl called the election of 2012. Between Marco Rubio, Condi Rice, Michele Bachmann, Bobby Jindal, Herman Cane (I wish), Mitt could have picked from any demographic to sure up weak points in his polling three months out.

And pandering with V.P. picks is common (E.G. Obama picking Biden to win the senile old coot vote). But the choice of a shining star in the Republican Party, without any sexy byline (except that he’s from Wisconsin, don’tjaknow?) next to his name, means that Romney is making this a straight fight between ideologies. And think about how the media would react if Romney had picked a candidate that wasn’t a white man. Even if his intention was to take on the best vp available, completely color and gender-blind, who among the democrooks in the media wouldn’t lambast him for pandering. (Clarification: I heard the word Democrook in a little bar in Illinois and it will forever be in my vernacular.)

This isn’t a cheap pick for name-power and to sway some independents, but Romney is bringing on someone he actually sees as a competent administrator and a stalwart figure as ally. He’s the real deal.

2. The Kid Wins

Mitt wants to win. So he brought on a winner. Paul Davis Ryan’s record is a pretty 7-0-0. (With four of those victories are against Jeffrey Thomas, and in a row, too, I think Jeffrey Thomas can be correctly identified as Ryan’s nemesis). He runs strong campaigns, keeps it clean, and has made Wisconsin’s 1st district his stomping ground. Maybe he’s been in too small a pond so far, but I like the confidence this type of politician brings to Romney’s campaign. They compliment each other well enough, with Romney’s weak experience outside the private sector and Massachusetts rounded by Ryan’s congressional career.

A side note: some article lambasted Ryan’s weak private sector experience. Compared to what? Since when has community organizer as our dear Barack Obama’s been private sector? I’d say that whatever you have to do to work in the Wienermobile and be allowed to leave is experience enough.

1. The Kid is The Big O’s Rival

Paul Ryan’s arch-nemesis (No, not Jeffrey Thomas) is Barack Obama. They’re opposites in the pit of their political cores. So much so that it is exemplified in the positions they’ve held (Paul Ryan is the Chairman of the House Budget Committee and as president, Barack Obama has shown no concern for budgets). But Paul has made his name for lambasting the president’s fiscal shortsightedness all while offering realistic alternatives for the country. In Chicago, Barack Obama revealed his campaign’s fear by mentioning the V.P. already, accusing him of being the party’s “Ideological Leader.” This, from the leader of the free world, is a tacet admission that Obama is in fact intimidated by Paul Ryan’s gravitas. And coming from the man who single handedly united the Republican Party (against his own failing policies), I’d take this admission as a compliment.

-Brian Gross

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Chick-Fil-A and Five Real Newses

After recently unveiling their Gaybasher Burger, or whatever Chick-Fil-A did to earn the ire of homosexual rights groups and Boston and Rahm Emanuel, the poultry peddler has become an easy target for protesting, boycotts, and other things people do when leaving a flaming bag of dog doo-doo isn’t enough. There is apparently planned for Today, or for you future dwellers, Yesterday, an organized “Kiss-In,” in which gay people are encouraged to go in, kiss, and probably while they are there, grab those delicious waffle fries. That’ll show them!

Most of the hub-bub is based in Twitter, a notoriously pro-poultry outfit that could very well be in league with those illiterate cows (if you ever try reader most people’s posts). And of course, with world-wide attention on the matter, we will finally solve the gay marriage debate and make this world a better, more harmonious place.

Bullshit. or Chickenshit, either way. While you were distracted that Chick-Fil-A’s founder might donate money to a pro-traditional marriage outfit, here’s a quick recap of the actual terrible problems going on in the world you ignored.

5. The Syrian uprising is getting more violent. So much so that it was recently announced that Barack Obama have approved helping the rebels with funding (give them Chevy Volts, no one else wants them!) He is sending $12 million more to support them, which, judging by the effectiveness of our own $757 billion bailout, will do diddly-squat. But now we are involved in another military engagement. Things have gotten so bad that the UN has stopped diplomatic efforts, finally admitting what we all know (The UN is useless). Anybody upset that we’re getting involved? Or not doing more? Anyone? Bueller?

4. The conditions of Chinese Olympians were explored, and despite China’s sterling human rights record, they’re terrible. I would say that they are treated like dogs if dogs were taken away from their parents as early as eight years old, trained like an unwilling Rocky Balboa day-in and out, kept on a strict diet, and pumped with human growth hormone. And I think they eat dogs in China. I read that… somewhere. The fact that Chinese woman Ye Shiwen beat munchies-fueled Michael Phelps’ 400 meter time should encourage us to consider “How the hell is China training their athletes to be superhumans?” Doesn’t that scare anyone else? Even a little?

3. Tensions between Israel and Iran became more, well, tense. The two nuclear nations have some sort of beef that they haven’t worked out yet as we march ever closer to the timetable Israel had put out earlier about a potential surprise attack in August (quick note, should you ever publish an itinerary of a sneak attack? No, a new study confirms)

2. In the unsettled territory called Chicago, an 11-year-old boy was spotted wandering the streets alone. Automatically, this should suggest something is wrong in the city. Also, the boy was carrying a molotov cocktail, which should suggest that things have gone bat-shit crazy there. Is that Chicago Values, Rahmmy?

1. Russian punk band Pussy Riot faces 7 years in jail for staging a protest concert outside of Christ the Savior Church against Vladimar Putin. The culmination of the concert resulted in the statement “Virgin Mary, drive Putin away!” The crackdown on free speech and religious expression and blatant infringement of the separation of church and state in the poorly veiled resurgent U.S.S.R. led by the ex-KGB Putin should be a rallying cry for right’s groups world-wide, especially because Pussy Riot is an all-female band that faces humiliating conditions in Russian prisons.

With what crime is Pussy Riot charged? Hooliganism. Yup, that’s a crime in Russia, (suggesting that all the British Soccer fans could be sent to Serbia for life).

It is always ironic when a world leader, in response of being called a tyrant, reacts tyrannically.

So there you go. Those are important things that you ignored. Now hurry up and get those monsters at Chick-Fil-A for having opinions. And if you get a spare moment, pray for Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Maria Alekhina, and Yekaterina Samutsevich as they face imprisonment for political expression.