2nd Congressional District of Illinois Open, Apply Today!

Not Pictured: Jackson imagining what your brains taste like.
Not Pictured: Jackson imagining what your brains taste like.

Due to the mounting pressure from this outlet , Representative Jesse Jackson has stepped out of his shiny 2nd  Congressional Seat. Jackson’s recently purchased won seat will be filled by a Special election in April 2013. Which is perfect timing, because between now (or more like 6 months ago) and that election, Illinois’ 2nd District won’t be represented by an out-of-touch wackjob. After the election, well, I hate to say it, but it seems like competency is frowned about in Illinois politics.

Special elections have an interesting effect in the Illinois. The island of misfit politicians clears out, all the Democrats who, somehow, couldn’t find a seat in what could only be describe as a massacre of Republicans, start clamoring and salivating at the opportunity to run in what I can only imagine will be humor gold.

Why do they want this District so badly? (An opportunity to fairly and impartially represent those fine Illinoisans? Gotcha) Because it is gerrymandered so severely that it took the lion’s share of Cook county, Chicago’s district. Jesse Jackson Jr. won with 63% of the vote while experiencing a scandal in which no one could find him. He did not campaign (most advisors would suggest not to talk, anyways), he was not in Illinois. He won. In a landslide. Which he rode for a few days before stepping down, costing the taxpayers millions for the special election.

Here’s the thing. I truly believe that, if he ran in the special election, he’d win. After trying to buy a Senatorship. He’d win. In a landslide. It’s that Blue of a district. So yeah, it’s a nice place for an incompetent Democrat to park themselves for the next thirty years.

One of the goon squad tripping over themselves at the prince’s throne is Mel Reynolds, the candidate Congressman Jackson won the seat from in a 1995 special election. That’s right folks, you read that correctly, a man who stepped down in disgrace (such disgrace that Jesse Jackson Jr. was a better choice), is now offering to take back his old seat. (The benefit? You know exactly what you’re voting for). Cook County Jail apparently has a revolving door.

"And I said to her 'This long.' And I guess that's when things got weird."
“And I said to her ‘This long.’ And I guess that’s when things got weird.”

Why’d Mel step down in the first place? Oh, just mortgage fraud. And campaign funds fraud (sounds familar). And sleeping with a 16 year old female staffer. Because those things are apparently no longer career enders. (The scandals, not the staffers).

Mel, whose campaign slogans involve such classics as “Redemption” and “So He Can Finish the Work,” which very well might be code, (Watch out, staffers!), says that he was not convicted to a life sentence. Which is to say “I got over that time when I sexually assaulted a minor. Why can’t you?”

Another such gooner is Debbie Halverson, who hasn’t seen an election she didn’t like (and lose handily). Debbie was notoriously ousted after the brutal 2010 election against Adam Kinzinger. Halverson’s attempt to take the momentum in the election?

You saw it right, folks, a comical rabble of protestors comparing Kinzinger, a veteran of both the Afghanistan and Iraq wars, to a Nazi alongside Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. But to compound the ineptitude, the faux-protestors walked directly back to Halverson’s campaign headquarters, inexplicably in a building with a glass wall, not checking for those guys who were just a minute ago video-taping them. It’s not the crime which is offensive in Illinois, it’s the laziness.

Bringing up the pack is Donne Trotter (who?), Illinois State Senator. How does he get the honorable mention? Well, knowing that he is being outgunned (this is a pun. Just wait, it comes up later) by his already disgraced opponents, he decided to play it safe and get himself in a scandal early by bringing a loaded firearm (Puntastic) into O’Hare Airport on Wednesday, Dec 5th. Donne may have realized that a prison sentence is the reward for a career in the 2nd and that he just couldn’t wait.

The scary thought is that one of these people, or others from the score of grossly unqualified candidates who have stepped forward, will be invested with real power. The funny thought is that we get to watch them duke it out until then.

Brian Gross considers him just grossly unqualified enough to be your humor writer (and don’t worry, staffers, he’s not packing heat). Help him out by passing this article along to someone who likes laughing at tragedies like Illinois Politics.

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