Hugo We Hardly Knew Ya

One of the angels now.
One of the angels now.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez died earlier today, March 5th, bringing to close a long and distinguished career as a beloved nemesis of the United States. The dictator is survived by his Vice President Nicholas Maduro, who has big shoes to fill in the Southern American country if he wants to make such waves as Chavez. His death, assigned to complications from the unspecific lower body cancer (probably butt cancer), came after a long fight in which he did not trust his own nation’s doctors to fight, instead relying on the superb health system of Cuba. The League of Nefarious Rulers, comprised of Kim Jong Un and Vladimar Putin, sent their condolences.

Rarely do we here at Republican Funk celebrate the death of anyone, (just breathe a huge sigh of relief and silent hi-five ourselves), but for Hugo it is something different entirely. I might actually miss him. Who can forget such classics as when, speaking to the U.N. a day after President Bush spoke, Chavez said “The Devil came here yesterday. It still smells of sulfur.” Or when, speculating on why no life was found on Mars, he postulated “maybe Capitalism arrived there, imperialism arrived, and finished off the planet.” NASA could not be reached for confirmation.

Chavez’s long fight with the super cancer the CIA gave him normal cancer that was still pretty bad should be a starting point where we talk about what everyone seems to be ignoring: the near superhuman longevity bestowed upon the enemies of America. Let’s make a quick run down.

1. Vladimir Putin, having not only survived but thrived in the toppling of the Kremlin and the implosion of the KGB, only to emerge a Judo-knowing badass to rival any 1980s paramilitary bad guy.

2. Fidel Castro, now 86, has survived entire generations of CIA operatives failing to assassinate him (with beard poison).

Castro pictured demonstrating the unpoisonability of that beard.
Castro pictured demonstrating the unpoisonability of that beard.

3. Kim Jong Il, now deceased, should be marveled at simply for making it to the ripe old age of 70, which is considered an amazing feat compared to any average North Korean man’s lifespan (might triple it).

Chavez’s own grip to life can only be compared to the tight fist he kept over his country, if only to direct that country against the imperial devil (seriously, why does everyone keep calling us that?). So I want to extend a big Republican Funk congratulations for putting up such a good fight.

Oh, and Sean Penn is saddened by the death, marking the 8,322 consecutive day in a row I haven’t cared what Sean Penn does or thinks.

Some important notes on the life of Chavez: it is estimated now that the Socialist Dictator may have had 2 billion in his own personal accounts and private investments. Which I need to underline the dictator part of that. Dictators, on the whole, skim off the top and become wildly rich on the sufferings of their own people. Kind of a lot. It is just all the more ironic when they throw the ‘socialist’ qualifier in front. If the whole Wall Street banking thing doesn’t work out, these hoity-toity 1 percenters that everyone hates so much should try third world dictatorship. None of the stress of the public outrage from the first two worlds! (And the health packages seem tempting).

As we prepare to say goodbye to one of our most esteemed villains, it is important to consider the methods behind the man that gave him such unparalleled popularity (for being, you know, a dictator). The oil-rich country enjoyed some of the profits of their massives exports to the tune of essentially $.12 a gallon gasoline. You read that right, the Venezuelans have to pay more for a gallon of air than a gallon of gasoline. How is it sustainable? Well, simply put, it isn’t. The government’s handout in this case is so wildly unsustainable, in fact, that most of the politicians running against Chavez (and toward common sense policy) actually have to campaign against handouts to the people. Talk about running against Santa Claus.

So consider how politically crafty making a government program untenable and forcing the other side to be the bad guys while you read yourself up on the disclosed e-mails revealing how government programs dealing with the sequester are being ordered to purposefully make the cuts look more painful instead of doing them intelligently. Might look like one of those, you know, coincidences.

Brian Gross is confident that the League of Nefarious Rulers is eyeing up the Queen to step it. She probably has another twenty years in her if she starts hating America now. Help Brian in his paranoid delusions by following this blog!