Back to Square One

After following my doctors orders by drinking heavily after the election and crying while reading Charles Krauthammer, I think I’ve regained the energy to reopen my political loom and spin this coarse fabric into hilarious silk (I think he’s still drunk). I’ve gotten to the point when I can admit that Barack Obama won, Mitt Romney lost, and essentially the House of Representatives and the Senate were a push.

First off, let me be clear (stealing a line from Obama): this was not a referendum on whose opinion is right. The split is 51:48%. Within the margin of error. But if you think that somehow your ideology is invalidated because 3% more of the population doesn’t agree with you, you’re an idiot. Republicans are just now the minority… NO! I know, we’re the Hipsters. Obama is mainstream.

“You know what I always say, ‘If it’s too broke to fix, lets just give them a do-over

Before I tear into ourselves for spitting at logic in the eye, apparently we need to give out some accolades. Congratulations, President Barack Obama, you are the first sitting President to raise $1 billion. And who says money can’t buy happiness? But look out for 2008 Barack Obama, who wants major campaign reform to limit money (what a buzzkill!).

Congrats again to President Barry Obama, who beat the 7.5% unemployment rule. You see, previous to him with the exception of F.D.R., no incumbent president had been reelected with unemployment at 8.1%. You truly lowered the bar for everyone, you should be proud.

Congrats finally to Mitt “Mittens” Romney, winning the “Nice guys finish last (with their image completely smeared by the Obama campaign).” You see, Mitt has a long and deep history of charitable giving, and not just with money, but even up to the point of taking other people into his home during the holidays. Of course you didn’t hear that, it got buried by the story that Mitt Romney killed a man’s wife

or that Mitt Romney doesn’t hug his garbage man

(Side note: I will give $500 to the person who sends me the video of Barack Obama giving his own garbage man a hug)

A big part of the Democrats success was turning a loving family man into this.

So Mittens will return to obscurity, alone and defeated. Except with a beautiful, smart wife, great family, tons of money, a community that adores him, (and maybe 2016 marked on his calendar). That’ll teach him.

I only hope that the people who so actively bought into the lies and vilified him with Saul Alinsky-esque tactics take a moment to actually find out who Mitt is as a person, now that he is no longer an enemy.

But back to what happened on Tuesday. Economic indicators predicted a win for Romney. Polling predicted a win for Romney, all the pundits (especially the ones excited to complain about the Romney Regime for four years), everything. Barack Obama predicted a win for Obama, but you can’t go off what he thinks in something like this. Remember when Dewey Defeated Truman?

Exactly. We were feeding off certain assumptions as indicators. They were proven to be false, so we need to root them out to avoid this again.

1. The 7.5% unemployment rule. Pundits assumed this rule would hold fast because it is a number communicating to the voter “Hey, the economy is shit.” The underlying assumption, that most swing voters understand how an economy works, how Government policies effect economic growth, and they can link the policies of this current administration. This assumption is undermined by the classic “Blame Bush” trope which we get to enjoy for another four years (Really, thanks guys).

2. The 2010 voting block. After the Red Wave that retook the House of Representatives, the Race for the White House was the fight every conservative wanted. Following the Side Show out of the volunteers who stepped forward (where IS Herman Cain, by the way?), a lot of Republicans were non-plussed by the selection, but plowed forward with this “Anybody but Obama” mentality. Unfortunately, Anybody but Obama ended up translating into Mitt Romney (whom I think is awesome, but the party did not coalesce under his banner), which ended up translating into Obama again. Unfortunately, this led an estimated 3 million conservative voters, voters who frequently vote in the presidential elections, to stay home, twiddle their thumbs, and say “Man, I wish Mitt Romney was more conservative, because I really don’t like Obama.” (Playing at home? The answer is, yes, that 3 million would have swung the election). I don’t know who you 3 million are, but I’ll find out and let you all know personally that you failed your country and those of like-minded policies. And that you are a supreme doo-doo head.

3. Hurricane Sandy. 40% of voters said in exit polls that President Obama’s response to Hurricane Sandy was an issue influencing their vote. 15% percent claimed it was the most important influence. Never mind that Staten Island is still out of power, never mind that FEMAs response was as poor as at Katrina, never mind that the Red Cross was handing out hot cocoa and cookies while not bringing nearly enough food and water. Obama did a great job, didn’t he look so Presidential. Here’s the thing: looking presidential, that’s his job. He’s not Golmer Pile, he can’t literally screw everything up. He got out to the East Coast, looked at a few things, made a speech and packed back up. He didn’t accomplish anything but be President eye-candy.

4. The most negative campaign ever.

We’ll let this speak for itself. ( Or swear, whichever)

There are tons more factors, but let me let you in on a little secret: the policies are not the problems. It was a mismanaged campaign with a number of missteps at the end between the Benghazi scandal and the Orca campaign app. And with Fox News playing the role of Chicken Little, telling the Republican party with every dope they can find that the party needs to change dramatically, I am afraid things might get weird. The suggestions so far on how the Republicans can improve? Become Pro-amnesty, Pro-abortion, Pro-gay marriage. Seems to work for the Democrats, so we should just be the exact same party (ingenius, we’ll simply never see it coming!).

In reality, the Republicans need to field better candidates, reunite the base between the moderates and the Tea Party side, and get some positive mojo going. Hey, this loss was no more resounding than what we laid on the Democrats in 2004, and look where they are now! (Oh, right. Crap).

Brian Gross is happy to have 4 more years to complain, so get to work, Barry!

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