Spy Game


Gen. Petraeus’ face after discharging his weapon.

General David Petraeus stepped down last week over allegations that he engaged in an illicit affair with biographer Paula Broadwell (which I think is a lazy way to conclude the biography. “And then I started banging him”). This story, on the whole, doesn’t matter, even though Petraeus had been one of the last white knights in the American Psyche (as I understand it, he won the war in Iraq with the Surge, in which he rushed in with Knife-class/lightweight on).

However, Petraeus is the Director of the CIA, which had a substantial role in attack on the Libyan Consulate (read: gave orders for to “stand down” and not help the Ambassador). The whole thing stinks to high hell, the House of Representatives is investigating and BAM: sex scandal. This should keep the reporters busy for a while.

But one crack-journalist with a nose for the truth is on the case, has his coffee, and is ready to blow this one wide open.

I don’t know if I buy the conspiracy theory that this is all to cover up Libya (ok, I just can’t afford it). The sexcapades probably happened, and is tactically let loose as a smoke screen. I say this because our Government is simple hapless when it comes to conspiracy theories (remember the Youtube video that caused the riot on the embassy? Me neither, but young gun reporter HisGrossness poke some holes in that pretty damn fast with lots of Moxy).

But let’s talk about the fact that the Director of the CIA, supposed to have more secrets than Nick Fury, was seduced by this woman.

And if you’re about to say “what if he seduced her?” Then scroll back up and look at his O face.

I’m not saying she’s not attractive, but really? And I’ll admit, Gen. Petraeus’ wife is a bag of premixed Frumpiness (comes with two free cats!), so it’s not like the motivation is lacking. And learning from Tiger Woods, some men will cheat on any woman with anything.

I’m guessing it was the conversation, they both loved talking about Gen. Petraeus. I suppose they might have even made up a fiction about being star-crossed lovers and how this was their story, etc, while Petraeus released a deluge of classified documents (imagine the stories we’ll tell the kids one day!)

But the secrecy on this affair didn’t last long. They had what could be called a relationship for 2 years, intermingled with working on his book (an indepth interview, that’s what we’ll call it). But shouldn’t this be the type of thing to which our spies are immune?

Not pictured: The woman 007 is currently banging when the picture was taken.

Case in point: James Bond. All he does is bone and booze. Beside thwarting comically evil characters, it’s what Bond does best. Bond often seduces women just to keep himself sharp. Why? To save god-damned Her Royal Majesty’s England (The only woman he’d bone and really mean it).

What if this Paula had been trained to be seductive? What if, instead of boning for the sake of writing a better biography, she had been boning for the sake of international espionage. They shared e-mails with classified information over GMail for America’s sake! The entire thing is so laughable that you could never expect a real Bond-audience to believe it.

“But, HisGrossness,” you retort, “Don’t you think you’re basing your knowledge of international espionage a little too much on a campy 1960’s series that went a little too long?”

Valid point, gentle reader, but turn your attention back to Femme Fatale Anna Chapman (how could you not?), whose Russian spying antics single-handedly heated up the Cold War (which, despite Ronald Reagan’s best efforts, I consider to be still on). This was the type of thing she was, you know, trained for.

I am containing myself out of sheer Patriotism, my comrade commie hussy.

Why is this a big deal? Ask any man what she was guilty of actually doing in turns of international espionage, and we’ll all come up blank. Show us the picture, we’ll say “Oh, the Russian Spy?” and we’ll all… well, I think you get the point (I think it was gonna be another penis joke).

Was the secret plan for Anna Chapman to seduce Gen. Petraeus? Probably not, but it doesn’t help when we reveal that our leaders are pretty much vulnerable to the exact approach our enemy uses. When we need to be on guard from attacks from all fronts (and behinds), our military shows how frustrated their heads really are. (oops, sorry, Freudian Penis! I mean, slip). But I hope we can get off the subject of Petraeus and his privates in time to actually talk about Benghazi (which, if you remember, I already kind of cracked… NBD)

If you are now all hot and bothered by Russian women, take a peek at this article about Pussy Riot!, a band which is fighting for the freedom of speech that I used at least 6 times in this article.

HisGrossness could only be seduced by Lady Liberty, who is far too classy for him. Help out his odds by following him and reading his silly words! (He used the word ‘bone’ five times in this article).


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