October Surprising Himself: Mourdock

Richard Mourdock feeling a disturbance in the force. “It’s like a thousand undecided voters all cried out at once ‘WTF’.”

Sometimes, in October, the Ghosts of Christmas Past will hunt down and lay the People’s Elbow on politicians, laying to waste well laid campaigns and perfectly portrayed lives. We call this phenomenon (my original spelling: phenomnomnomnom) The October Surprise.

Other times, candidates look blank-face at the campaign numbers, see that they are well within reach to win the election, and take a ball-pin hammer to their own image, presumably crying and screaming “You’re a loser, you’ll always be a loser.” We call this symptom of mental illness a word I’m not even allowed to say on the internet (seven syllables, three letter Ps. You know the one).

Thus we have the campaign of Richard Mourdock, the usurper of IN Senator Dick Lugar’s throne, fitting the rigid qualification passed in Indiana State law of 1877 “Hereforeth all G.O.P. Candidates needeth the first name Dick (LOLeth).” Mourdock’s rise to fame was influenced in part by Kingmaker Brian Gross (I’m really sorry guys, I had no idea). Riding the wave of a growing Tea Party base who considered Lugar too moderate, Mourdock is slated against Joe Donnelly, who has served in the Indiana State House since ’04.

Mourdock’s previous position of State Treasurer put him in perfect position for a Tea Party: Handle the money and not be in position to say anything crazy. This is a good lesson that everyone needs to learn, that just because they have not said anything crazy yet doesn’t mean it ain’t coming with a little power.

During Tuesday’s Indiana Senatorial debate against Donnelly, Mourdock said that he only supported abortion in the case of saving the mother’s life, and impregnation in the case of rape and incest “is what God intended.”

The look on the campaign staff of Joe Donnelly in the back room, watching the live feed, much have been only comparable to multiple orgasm.

First, Mourdock clearly doesn’t mean that God intended the rape, just that God intended life to happen. I get it, I see it, and it still doesn’t feel right. Phrasing is everything in politics. Remember Grossness, M.D.’s first rule for saying things in politics: “If what you say can be misinterpreted, automatically assume it will be and act accordingly.”

Second, let me god-damn rephrase for you knuckleheads out there. You want to tiptoe around the subject of Rape and Abortion? Don’t go into it like a bull in a china shop by throwing a little Jesus in there. Use this phrase, Tea Party politicians, it’s a freebee.

“I believe in the sanctity of life, and I don’t believe in the kneejerk reaction to match violence with violence. Rape is a heinous act, and I want to exhaust every opportunity available to avoid answering it with another act just as heinous.”

Bam. Eloquent, informed, and it still has all the hardline approach the Tea Party demands. Or, you can find a way to artfully dodge it by talking on the platforms that work. Taxes, Size of Government, Healthcare, come on, that stuff is a gimme. That is where you can win those undecideds. But when was the last time a moderate said “I do like his Old-Testament God approach to Rape… Oh what the hell, I’m team crazy.”

I’m currently breaking Reagan’s eleventh commandment, Do Not Speak Ill of Other Republicans, and especially two weeks out from the election. Reagan forgive me, but it is important to keep everyone honest, even our players.

There’s an old term of endearment out there, RINOs, or Republicans in Name Only. Which first off is the most Hipster thing I’ve heard (Those cats are just posers, we were hardline before it was cool). But secondly, Republicans apply this term to people who aren’t extreme enough and are committing the crime of being moderate. Hey, maybe we should throw that one at the Atkins and Mourdocks and other crazies out there who take my perfectly good small government party and twists it into their bully pulpit to pitch their interpretation of the Bible and moral code rolled into angry soundbites.

Third, (going back to the list before I so rudely interrupted myself), Abortions stemming for Rape and Incest are in the huge minority. If you want to deal with the real problem, go for the majority of abortions which are a result of poor planning and the throwaway culture we’ve created (do abortions impacted our carbon-footprint?)

But the crux of the matter is thus (and fourth, for those folks keeping track at home): We’re in the home stretch. If Republicans retake the Senate, it will be due to this and 3 other close races. If they lose or hold a tie, it will almost certainly be due to Mourdock losing this one. And think on this one further. Lugar was a sure thing. Hands down would have won. Especially, if the 80-year-old Lugar (who I just discovered lived through World War 2) were to die in office, almost already inaugerated IN Governor Mike Pence could have just appointed someone else to keep the Republican Majority they would assuredly have.

But noooo. I had to go help the Mourdock campaign. Like some idiot. Republicans, Reagan, I’m so sorry.

Brian Gross feels it is important to own up to his mistakes when it is funny. Read the rest of his mistakes, subscribe, and make him feel like idiot he is.


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