In Case You Missed It: Representative Jesse Jackson So Cray-Cray

First off, forgive my absence. With Paul Ryan’s busy schedule in the campaign, I was recruited to stand in for the quarterly Vast Right Wing Conspiracy meeting. I had to propose our new tactics for the War on Women (outlawing pantsuits) and talk Richard Nixon’s ghost out of destroying our puny mortal constructs… for now. And the continental breakfasts were exquisite.

Once our nefarious network signed its peace treaty with the Legion of Doom, I hopped on the first Antartica to Indy direct flight and opened my digital newspaper for the first time in weeks. So you can imagine my entire cup of coffee spit-take from reading that Illinois Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. is still in the race for Illinois’ Second Congressional District.

As a representation of the character of the man, when you Google Jesse Jackson Jr., the list of related people includes Rod Blagojevich (who is currently trying to sell an open Shower stall to the highest bidder) and Debbie Halverson (who, after being connected to a fake rally calling American Hero and all-round Swell Guy Adam Kinzinger a Nazi, has become as close as Political Aids as you can get). You also get Sandi Jackson, who I think was the only other talented one of the Jackson 5 (wait, what?).

Why is this such a big deal as to spit out an entire cup of coffee (don’t worry, 5 more still on the pot), you ask? Foremost, Jesse Jackson Jr. (or Triple J, when he professionally wrestles) has been officially absent from his position as Illinois Representative since June 10th on Medical Leave.

Voter, you’re the boss, they are the civil servant. Are you ever unsure if your employee should keep his job? I think a good rule of thumb is if, in the exact same position, the employee has been absent from his job for over 5 months, then no. They don’t sound capable of doing it.

But Jackson is still in it, his wife and father claim. Js on Js on Js’ medical leave has been revealed to be related to Bipolar Depression. Real mental illness is absolutely no laughing matter, and the stigma of mental illness has long lasting and deep effects. At the same time, however, I’ll be putting on my scrubs for a segment I’d like to call Grossness, M.D.

Grossness, M.D. is professional doctor of political ailments and has absolutely no regard for patient confidentiality. 

Let’s first look at what brought on the symptoms.

1. JJJ is under investigation for his connection to the whole trying to sell a Senatorship thing by Blago. Medical tip: if your name is often said in the same sentence as Rod Blagojevich, you’re probably guilty of something, even if it is just keeping terrible company. And with Rod sitting in lock-up and probably talking to the Feds, I would doubt they are barking up a useless tree.

2. At the same time, a Federal Probe has been launched into JJJ’s possible abuse of campaign money. Specifically on spending it on himself, which I hear is frowned upon.

3. His wife, Sandi Jackson, faces scrutiny under charges that she doesn’t actually live in Chicago. Not living in Chicago wouldn’t be a problem (more like a sign of some common sense) except that she is an Alderman of the city, and kinda has to live there. Reports allege that she lives in their D.C. suburb home and commutes via plane, often attending meetings with the suitcases in hand.

4. All this is compounded by the number of media outlets rescinding their earlier endorsements of the Congressman who has spent 17 years in the House. When Chicagoans smell blood in the water and start backing off en masse, its like a pack of rats scurrying for holes: there’s a reason for it (Political Aids).

Who can blame the Congressman for being depressed then, when facing at best an end to his political career and at worst an end to his not-being-in-jail career? Though I have limited sympathy units, and generally try to reserve them for people not afflicted by their own doing: Jackson’s bipolar depression sounds a lot like a guilty conscience. Not the type where you feel guilty for what you did, mind you, but when you’re just afraid you got caught.

Dr. Grossness’s prescription? A long break from Chicago politics, and definitely don’t go out drinking in D.C. with strange women… Wait, never mind that. But at least, when you claim that you are attending treatment twice a day from the Mayo Clinic and go to a bar on Tuesday and Wednesday, represent your god-damned district and at least go to Chicago bar.

HisGrossness, M.D., has been diagnosing and treating Political Aids for months now, and is happy to be back at it. I’ve gotten tons of love these last few weeks from fans and it means a lot to me. So you keep reading and I’ll keep giving politics the business. 


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