WAR! and also, How to Lose That Stubborn Belly-Fat

Ahmadinejad reportedly inquiring “You wanna settle this right here, right now?”

The ever-looming war between Iran and Israel has a lot of similarities between the fight between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. Both have talked a big game, both have diehard supporters who cannot wait for the confrontation, both have been delayed for no real reason, both are based behind century-old religious differences (I think) and in both cases, the result is pretty much obvious. The only difference, when Mayweather gets his face punched off, he won’t be able to retaliate with nuclear weapons so power that only Superman will be able to put the world back on axis (just to save that ugly-ass Louis Lane).

In all reality, I believe we will witness a full war between Israel and Iran within the next 5 years. And I say that because I expect it within the next 5 months, but I figure I’ll give myself some wiggle room. The intensity of the rhetoric has picked up, the Middle-East has become somehow even less stable due to the “Arab Spring”, and Iran has increased efforts toward Nuclear armament. Israeli-American joint efforts against the development, through the Stuxnet and Flame viruses that crippled the Iranian scientists’ efforts by sabotaging centrifuges as well as some bad-ass CIA motorcycle bombing, have been exposed, putting America, ostensibly the neutral negotiator, in a position to either go all in and defend their closest ally or back out completely. And of course, America has made their stance clear.

Oh, wait, no, America has muddled through the tensions. Ignoring Barack Obama’s disgraceful treatment of the Israeli Prime Minister (maybe he learned that behavior sitting in anti-semite Reverend Wright’s sermons), the rhetoric between the two countries is heating up at the worst possible time —election season. With the President more concerned with Mitt Romney’s tax returns than the possible catalyst to WWIII, the concern has been demoted so far that only water-boy Jay Carney has time to speak about it. “We feel confident that we would be able to detect a break-out move by Iran towards the acquisition of a nuclear weapon.”

What, by the smoking crater and raining ash behind the “Welcome to Israel” sign? Ignoring the fact that Carney is a wiener, is this the guy who is keeping his eyes on it? At what point will the President of the United States stand up to the escalating Iran, who is clearly lying while they say “What nuclear program? We’re just developing this technology for… energy… yeah, that’s the ticket, energy,” and set a firm line in the sand.

If you’re wondering why I don’t want Iran to have a nuclear weapon, you haven’t been listening to enough Ayatollah in the A.M. (popular persian radio station). Escaped chimpanzee and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has stated at Tehran University (Go State!) recently “The existence of the Zionist regime is an insult to all humanity” and has repeatedly stated he intends to wipe Israel off the map. This, in conjunction with that whole nuclear program-thing we just discussed, should make future events pretty obvious.

“Yeah,” you say, “that’s what they say over there. But isn’t it all just rhetoric? Hasn’t Ahmadinejad been jammering on like this since 2005?” True, except after the Arab Spring, things have changed. Iran has already clamped down on internal dissent and has been forced to amp up their rhetoric to keep up with escalating tensions. What better way to draw dissenting parties back in than a war against every radical muslim’s favorite enemy (no, not Porky the Pig).

For you closet Anti-semites out their who aren’t terrified by this prospect, let me rephrase this. A group of people are about to be obliterated by another group. Most of these people are innocent, normal people who will be at school at the time, or at the store, or with their kids.

The alternative? Israel initiates a surprise attack that disarms most of Iran’s nuclear options, but judging by the Jews’ popularity in the region, that could only open up an excuse for Egypt and Syria’s engagement in a “justified war”. Otherwise, Israel and American could lead a strike against Iran, but the Middle-East is still pretty sore after those other “interventions” we’ve pulled in the region.

So will voting for Mitt Romney fix this? Probably not. Mitt, unlike his opponent, has actually visited Israel and already expressed his support. Maybe the prospect of an American leader with some backbone will convince Ahmadinejad to cool his jets, but it’s doubtful. Current affairs have gone too far. Similar to when Saddam Hussein was hiding the weapons of mass destruction he didn’t have from investigators in order to not expose his country’s weakness, the bluff might be the only thing giving legitimacy to Ahmadinejad’s regime in the world’s eyes. Why would he give concrete proof that he’s weaponless?

No, I am truly afraid that this one went a little too far. Diplomacy can buy time, but both Israel and Iran can not exist with nuclear weapons. It’s not a matter of even when? at this point, but how bad?. And yes, its two smaller countries way the heck over there, but so were Austria and Serbia in 1914. And look where we wound up. (If you don’t get that reference, google it and then reenlist yourself in 6th grade history, you dolt.)

Luckily, we live in an age with such communication and quick reaction that the whole mess will probably be over by time we wake up to incredibly bright flashes in the East. And at that point, not even I will say I told you so.

Brian Gross is a Freelance Firefighter in his daytime, and a globetrotter in his Facebook stalking. Read other articles, check out other stuff, and support your local rant-artist. 

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