Chick-Fil-A and Five Real Newses

After recently unveiling their Gaybasher Burger, or whatever Chick-Fil-A did to earn the ire of homosexual rights groups and Boston and Rahm Emanuel, the poultry peddler has become an easy target for protesting, boycotts, and other things people do when leaving a flaming bag of dog doo-doo isn’t enough. There is apparently planned for Today, or for you future dwellers, Yesterday, an organized “Kiss-In,” in which gay people are encouraged to go in, kiss, and probably while they are there, grab those delicious waffle fries. That’ll show them!

Most of the hub-bub is based in Twitter, a notoriously pro-poultry outfit that could very well be in league with those illiterate cows (if you ever try reader most people’s posts). And of course, with world-wide attention on the matter, we will finally solve the gay marriage debate and make this world a better, more harmonious place.

Bullshit. or Chickenshit, either way. While you were distracted that Chick-Fil-A’s founder might donate money to a pro-traditional marriage outfit, here’s a quick recap of the actual terrible problems going on in the world you ignored.

5. The Syrian uprising is getting more violent. So much so that it was recently announced that Barack Obama have approved helping the rebels with funding (give them Chevy Volts, no one else wants them!) He is sending $12 million more to support them, which, judging by the effectiveness of our own $757 billion bailout, will do diddly-squat. But now we are involved in another military engagement. Things have gotten so bad that the UN has stopped diplomatic efforts, finally admitting what we all know (The UN is useless). Anybody upset that we’re getting involved? Or not doing more? Anyone? Bueller?

4. The conditions of Chinese Olympians were explored, and despite China’s sterling human rights record, they’re terrible. I would say that they are treated like dogs if dogs were taken away from their parents as early as eight years old, trained like an unwilling Rocky Balboa day-in and out, kept on a strict diet, and pumped with human growth hormone. And I think they eat dogs in China. I read that… somewhere. The fact that Chinese woman Ye Shiwen beat munchies-fueled Michael Phelps’ 400 meter time should encourage us to consider “How the hell is China training their athletes to be superhumans?” Doesn’t that scare anyone else? Even a little?

3. Tensions between Israel and Iran became more, well, tense. The two nuclear nations have some sort of beef that they haven’t worked out yet as we march ever closer to the timetable Israel had put out earlier about a potential surprise attack in August (quick note, should you ever publish an itinerary of a sneak attack? No, a new study confirms)

2. In the unsettled territory called Chicago, an 11-year-old boy was spotted wandering the streets alone. Automatically, this should suggest something is wrong in the city. Also, the boy was carrying a molotov cocktail, which should suggest that things have gone bat-shit crazy there. Is that Chicago Values, Rahmmy?

1. Russian punk band Pussy Riot faces 7 years in jail for staging a protest concert outside of Christ the Savior Church against Vladimar Putin. The culmination of the concert resulted in the statement “Virgin Mary, drive Putin away!” The crackdown on free speech and religious expression and blatant infringement of the separation of church and state in the poorly veiled resurgent U.S.S.R. led by the ex-KGB Putin should be a rallying cry for right’s groups world-wide, especially because Pussy Riot is an all-female band that faces humiliating conditions in Russian prisons.

With what crime is Pussy Riot charged? Hooliganism. Yup, that’s a crime in Russia, (suggesting that all the British Soccer fans could be sent to Serbia for life).

It is always ironic when a world leader, in response of being called a tyrant, reacts tyrannically.

So there you go. Those are important things that you ignored. Now hurry up and get those monsters at Chick-Fil-A for having opinions. And if you get a spare moment, pray for Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Maria Alekhina, and Yekaterina Samutsevich as they face imprisonment for political expression.

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